We’re in This Together

When Nikki was diagnosed with cancer over five years ago, we never imagined that the big batch of lemons we were handed would ever amount to barrels of lemonade, but that’s exactly what happened. Although it took us a while to get comfortable with even talking about our journey, we always believed that there was a reason for that period of our lives and a purpose behind the suffering.  As it turns out, the reason is YOU– that is, the friends, family, neighbors and colleagues of someone with cancer. We want to use our experience to help you provide support to both the patient and their family.  We would like to support you and the emotions you may be struggling with in this difficult time. Make no mistake about it, cancer is a team sport, and the support team isn’t limited to doctors and nurses, it includes people like yourself. People who are willing but unsure of how to get involved. This is going to involve sacrifice on your part, exposing you to difficult situations and emotions, but the hope you bring to a friend in need is well worth it. This blog contains stories and perspectives that highlight different aspects of the cancer journey that you may have never considered or experienced. Its descriptive rather than prescriptive nature will help to give you renewed confidence as you come alongside the cancer patient in your life. 

Woven through each of the blog entries are some common themes, allow me to highlight them for you at this time. First, you will realize that the best support for an individual going through cancer comes from people they know.  There are literally millions of cancer non-profits that exist and offer amazing levels of support. The one thing that it is difficult for them to provide is the love and trust from well established relationships. Nikki attended a cancer support group while going through chemotherapy in order to give her an outlet for emotional support. Unfortunately, she didn’t know anyone in the group and with her introvertive personality it just wasn’t a good fit. There were others that reached out offering well intended support, but we found that we gravitated towards the support from people already in our circle of friends and family. In fact, as I look back to our decision to remain in Hawaii for treatment, it was one of the best things we did. While Hawaii didn’t possess one of the nation’s “Top 10 Cancer Centers,” we had a very close group of friends who were willing to help. We knew and trusted them which meant that the level of support they could provide was much deeper and, as we found out, critical to Nikki’s cancer journey. As you read through the blog articles, you’ll understand that you possess a unique ability to reach out to the cancer patient in your life and you’ll feel more confident in your ability to get involved. 

The second theme is that supporting someone going through cancer is much simpler than we think. You don’t need to ‘fix the problem’, you just need to let them know that they aren’t alone. Oftentimes, just being there for someone without saying anything is the most powerful thing you can do. When Nikki would come home from a chemotherapy appointment, she didn’t even have the energy to carry on a conversation. Yet during those times I would sit by her side, read my book, and occasionally she would open her eyes and smile. That was enough. If you can’t be there physically with them, send a handwritten note, a well-thought out care package, or a video message. Cancer removes people from their normal life but your support provides a bridge back to the life they miss. If you find yourself looking to do more than “just” provide emotional support, focus on the logistical needs. We had people do our laundry, pick up our kids, provide us meals and send numerous care packages. Although each one seemed small to the individual, they removed stress, provided relief and brought joy. The stories you will read are riddled with examples of support we received and the positive impact that it had. Perhaps these stories will provide you with ideas on how you can help.

The final theme is that cancer affects everyone in the patient’s immediate circle. This may seem like an obvious statement, but with so much focus on the patient, it is easy to forget those around them. Cancer shakes up the world of an entire household. Our daughter Ally was six during Nikki’s treatment. Although we immediately shared the circumstances with her in an age appropriate way, it wasn’t until Nikki’s hair began to fall out that she displayed visible signs of fear. Up until that point, her world really hadn’t changed, but now mommy was different. It made the situation real and it took away her sense of stability. As the spouse and primary caregiver, I felt enormous levels of stress as I took on the role of both parents while at the same time taking care of Nikki, and being active duty in the Navy. Our parents, siblings and close friends experienced their own version of trauma. I’ll never forget the video calls we had with each of them, their blank stares riddled with shock are forever etched into my memory. Our blog will provide their perspective as well because I think it’s important to demonstrate the chain reaction caused by a cancer diagnosis. 

Thank you for caring enough about your loved one to take action. Rest assured that Teamotherapy is here to help you help them. The blogs that follow will enlighten you on the cancer journey in a way that will make your support even more effective. And if you’re teetering on the brink of action, let the stories inspire you to confidently come alongside your loved one in this time of need. Don’t fret over the journey ahead, we’ve walked the path already and we’ll be with you every step of the way. We’re in this together.

Post written by Michael Uyboco